writing and rewriting and rewriting (again)

I decided last night that I’m rewriting my novel. Again.

I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about it and it could be because I need a little break from writing after National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) and it could be because I’m doubting my spur of the moment decision to start from the beginning for a fourth time.

But there is also the little voice in the back of my head that is thrilled, because I love this story and this world and being in it for any reason at all is something I enjoy immensely, even if I’m just telling the same story over again in a slightly different variety.

A significant part of me is simply wondering: why am I doing this? And the remaining part is still coming up with a reasonable answer. But this is what it is so far.

Last night, Ethan asked if I was writing again tonight after having spent every night the last month writing for nanowrimo. I said no and went to shower.

But of course, the shower is the birthplace of many an idea. I had a thought of “oh, what if I changed this part at the beginning of my novel?” and it spiraled into “well, there goes half of the plot so I may as well rewrite the whole thing.”

I’ve already written this story three times and edited it twice. The thing with it is, generally, it’s gotten easier each time.

I think the part that’s daunting to me is, oh. I’m starting from a blank page AGAIN. But even that is not entirely true. I have the characters. I have the world. I have the plot and all the important pieces that make it a story.

And while I am tired and I know it will never be absolutely perfect, even if I were to rewrite it a dozen dozen times, the thing is I won’t know if I can write it better if I don’t try again. It could end up worse than the last version, but that’s okay because I can simply go back to that last version. But if I find it is better and I like it more than the past versions, well, that’s something I would not have found out if I did not write it again.

This is by far the most involved in a novel I have been. I’m coming up on its two year anniversary from when I had started the first draft in January. And I have never really gotten past a first or second draft on any of my writing projects before.

This is the one that I want to see published. This is the one I want to get all the way there, to a physical book you can hold in your hand. And it is taking longer than I had thought it might, but that’s what happens when I have a full time job and other commitments outside of just writing books.

Because that is where I am at right now, that’s okay. Maybe someday I’ll be able to only write books. Until then, I’ve just gotta keep keeping on with what I’ve got.